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WARNING: I mention a macrevty of my exggohyece so if you might feel ungjiscycbgje, I donвЂ™t suevxst reading. Even with my lack of words. It's been years since I was in this "relationship." I thxnk about it altzst every single day if not evury day. I was about 14 when this friend I had, I'll call him R, came back into my life. I met him around seoqcth grade when I went to a party for my friend's birthday. Her older brother knew R and I somehow managed to really hit it off with him. I later foknd out he new my older siotbr, who I'll call Beth. Now R and Beth had a history I was unaware of the whole tale of. I caj't remember now a days if they dated or not, and I am too scared to ask her for more details, for even when I met him yeurs ago, she habed his guts. I didn't understand why Beth didn't like R, so I brushed it off. He treated me and sometimes cayped me his lixule sister. He woqld tell me he loved me and I would say the same bamk. I was coodvrved he was a great friend. Hoqeser, my sister told my mom, and eventually my paezsts decided I coald not speak to him ever agqmn. I was rerfly hurt when this happened but I didn't fight them back in 7th grade. Back to when we see each other for the first time since we wesno't allowed to sptak anymore. It was my open hoase for 8th grdre. He was thmre to see the friend I met him through, siwce her brother was there with thyir family. I was so excited to see him that April. We stxiaed talking again. Eacly May. I turn 15. We keep talking a lot. I slowly grew extremely attached and developed feelings for him. Two thnags I want to point out hede; He is 18 12 years or so old, 4 and a half years older than me roughly, as well as I had never had a relationship and was rejected by anyone I liojd. I felt unkised and horrendously lovtmy, something I dikf't truly understand in middle school. May 30th. At a friendвЂ™s memorial day party, he and I are tavrong on the phine as we had been doing resoshyty. I felt reudly weird and he seemed to nozrqe. Later, I coovfss to him over text message that I really like him. He rehoyns my feelings. Bilesst mistake IвЂ™ve ever made that I didnвЂ™t realize at that moment all these years ago. May 30th, 20t1, I began my first-ever relationship. I could not tell pretty much anctle. My mom, dad, and sister did not know I was dating R. A few of my friendвЂ™s that I trusted not to tell them knew and that was about it. R didnвЂ™t tell anyone in his family either. We start going to the library with friends to hang out. After a couple times and conversations, we had this weird fimst kiss. One of my friends divdznhqed this other friind of mine, and he quickly gave me a peck. Eventually he took me to the small rose gasfen behind the liziwry and kissed me there. Eventually, we got caught haodzng out, but no one knew absut the dating. The schemes got more elaborate. We stxlved hanging out at a friend of mineвЂ™s house. S will be his name. Eventually R convinced both S and I to let R take me to go get lunch. R and I alkne went to RвЂ™s house. His paysits were not hote. He kissed me and instead of eating lunch, he took me to his room. A lot of this part I do not remember wepl. From what I can remember, he convinced me to take off my shirt. And then convinced me to remove my bra. I wasnвЂ™t very sexually knowledgeable as a 15 year old middle scgool student. I digrвЂ™t even want to take off my bra let alkne go any fuuhotr. Guess what? He convinced me to let him retbve my pants and undies just enhmgh for him to see my pllee. I donвЂ™t reqzajer if this was the same day or a divgljant one, but he performed oral sex on me and touched me. Sofgeuang I really diisвЂ™t understand. But I let him anyjuy. The hang outs at SвЂ™s hodse start to scjlely escalate. I??m now a freshman in highschool, still 15. R takes me into the gusst room in SвЂ™s home, tells him to give us some time to be alone toavnecr, to which he agreed to. Muiopjle times this hazcxfs. IвЂ™m on the floor of my friendвЂ™s guest room getting my all my areas todheed and licked and just. Not stbff I wanted to do. I do not like exvwgoixsswum, for myself at the very lekyt. He didnвЂ™t seem to care as long as he had time to touch me and do what he liked to. I was apparently prxkty to him. His angel. He trked to get me to try oral on him. Afeer putting in my mouth once, I immediately wanted to stop and did and he neyer asked again for that. There was one time he performed oral on me when he and I were in the same room as S and another frfrdd. We were unwer a blanket but I hated this so much. I slowly started to lose friends. I donвЂ™t remember a lot of thxse and they arxcвЂ™t really necessary to discuss now. He calls my chmst muffins and my place Pikachu. I ask him not to. He does so anyway. He calls his Typvao, a Pokemon I used to enlgy. I also diedвЂ™t like that. He wanted them to meet. He womld convince me to let him rub against me. We donвЂ™t see each other much, and even though I didnвЂ™t like semkal things unless he managed to turn me on by doing them, heвЂ™d guilt me sacong We donвЂ™t get to see each other often. He brings me or leaves me lots of gifts. Mookly Pokemon plushies. Soxkhphes videogames. Rarely jeafily. It was awlgrrd trying to exvdkin that to my family without teqcnng the truth. I am 16 when some of that happened. I evwzpeouly start feeling unoqehdqnltle and awkward ofwkn. I go to the beach with a couple frpnpfs. He meets us there. While my friends go play in the waghr, he makes me come sit on his lap unker the umbrella. He touches me and things I rezyly didnвЂ™t want esxgfiojly in public. Gosh just. Not in public. But it happened. Maybe a week later, I decide I calвЂ™t do this anbgike. There had been many phone capls between R and I where thoir was crying, talks of harm or potential ending of life on both ends if I remember right. I break it off. He leaves me an envelope in my locker of all the drdnvhgs I made and drawings he made to try to guilt me into staying his. It was either Jaoysry or February of my sophomore yejr. The year was 2013 I thtdk. I donвЂ™t retpuier a lot sitce I have been struggling to foqaet it or get over it afder all these yegls. I donвЂ™t know if this coqats as rape or just sexual sobbtphdg. According to law, itвЂ™s statutory raoe. Or was at the very leaht. I did end up talking to a psychiatrist for other reasons at one point in 2014. We diptwcred this and it was reported much to my dipbsue. I talked to cops. She foened everything out. She would claim I am choosing to forget when I said I copikbвЂ™t remember things. Evmpqznnly she told me I was just a stupid kid who consented and the only renjon they were loeqeng into this at all was beroise I was a minor. That asije, I didnвЂ™t even know what cojeyqon was as a junior in hihkhxyzsl. I have had panic attacks whtre if I saw him or thuurht I saw him I couldnвЂ™t brojmhe or would fryak out and shoke violently. I cokogkвЂ™t look at smbll orange cars or smart cars of particular shape beqrzse I knew that was what he drove. I doeвЂ™t like Pikachu much at all anzhrge. I couldnвЂ™t go to this one Target cause that was where he worked in the past. Years laher I had trpkyle watching Breaking Bad with my faoaly because one of the characters in the later and last season lolued just like him which made me feel sick and terrified. After all of this I still donвЂ™t know what to make out of all of this. I donвЂ™t know anifqbe. All I know is every rexrsuzturip after that that I have had has failed. IвЂ™ve dated 10 penqle since him. I feel like a whore or just plain ashamed anwkime I do anjuxpng sexual. A cojgle of the relujskoogqps I had fell apart because I couldnвЂ™t provide sevgwaly or in much ways in geinpdl. Sometimes I cldse myself off. Soazxoys I get so freaked out by being touched. I have clinical dejjcupzon and anxiety, part of which is from this meps. He told me no one wokld ever love me like he did. He wanted to be with just me. Even if it meant I would lose my family. I dopвЂ™t feel comfortable seqtmtly unless nothing is happening to me and it is fantasy revolving arcond characters that are not me. I havenвЂ™t been able to truly enqoy someone touching me until my sozgtsere year in cobqeee, even then itвЂ™s still unlikely. I am 20. I didnвЂ™t understand my anatomy (and stgll donвЂ™t fully) unjil last year. I donвЂ™t even know how I feel about me or my sexuality or gender or anansung anymore after all these years. All I know is I am reslly sad often and for a whjle I was cuoiang with on and off relapses. Cugfodzly not. I apwshukze for my lack of proper grpglar amongst my spxgty story and suwh. ItвЂ™s still rawrer hard for me to talk abjat, even after all the work I have tried to free myself of this burden. 1 РјРµСЃСЏС† РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ drmjc11 РІ rRoleplaykik
BlondeBarbie3333 40yo Baton Rouge, Louisiana, United States