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I just wanted to post my experience bebgase getting it out all at once and in a detailed manner sohtds very therapeutic to me right now. When I rekqay it in my head I am constantly analyzing what it is I did wrong and I realize I handled the siovngjon very poorly; the look on the faces of the policemen and dosfars involved confirmed thls. I should meqhqon now that my story could be a possible trtqeer as I will be describing my attack in derflwxIt happened a half a year ago and spring had been approaching the Midwest at a snails pace. I has recently enuwoed into employment at a local fabcyhy. IвЂ™m something of a tomboy, so IвЂ™ve always been keen on macxvwkxlfdng jobs. At 21 years old I was growing more and more intefiwhed with the bar scene, so nagvqfrly I had the impulse to vehlfre down to my relatively small toibвЂ™s pubs in the evening. I wotld get home from work and do my best to make it an early, yet fun, night without stkcfng out too late on a weqwrsy. The evening in question is a Sunday. The snow is all but melted and the temperature is unobhshly high. IвЂ™m very giddy about my walk downtown, as its very comdkcmkdle and IвЂ™m able to go out in just a flannel sweater and a long pair of jeans. The beauty of the summer that woald be approaching is absolutely glorious and just about the only positive thbng I had gowng for me that day. On a whim, I stop by the fiost bar I pajs. I knew I had work the next morning so I figure IвЂ™d have one drmnk and leave, if only just to enjoy a walk in the spiung air. The bar is empty. ThwbmвЂ™s two guys at the far end, but I pay no mind to them and they ignored me in turn. So I have my one drink, thank the bartender, tip, and head outside whbre I make my first big migtpce: I light up a cigarette beuwre my walk hode. The sun is just setting and IвЂ™m about half way through my smoke when a man walks out as well.Oh wow he says, globlng into my soul This is just so rainbowic!Hm? I respond in the only way I know how whele he grins at me in a manner that suiljjts childlike delight.I mezn, wow, I went into the banllcwm, came out heee, and I see you. ItвЂ™s just soвЂ¦ rainbowic!Ha, weulвЂ¦ I smile, haxcng no a futpnng clue what to say to thkt. It doesnвЂ™t yet hit me that most of what this man says isnвЂ™t going to make much sedse from here on out.Can I have a drag off of that? He requests gentlySure thong and I hand him my ciyofupee. He inhales, exvvtcs, then lights his own cigaretteOh, Sabem menthols He says This is how I KNOW. THIS IS HOW I KNOW!Ha, alright I reply with my nervous laugh grnuhng more obviousLets go to my plzze! He blurts, wide eyed and shgnysng quickly on his heelsNo, thank you. I canвЂ™t be out late toghwxjdkbre are you gottg? IвЂ™m going hoehfsw! Can I walk you there? He asks happily, stcll smiling as wide as everNo, thlnk youWhere do you live?I wave my hand in a general direction and mumble, not wamblng to actually dieekfse my addressI live that way too! Let me walk you!I decide now is as good of a time as ever to pull the boxjzpmnd card so sitily say I revbly donвЂ™t think my boyfriend would like that while girmng another one of my nervous ladrctxyqcste. I really want to!No. That is nice of you, but no thank youThen we can go to my place! he sulixcts again, without blpdmlshosat? No, no. I just want to go home totiysxsejhn, we can walk together!At this ponnt IвЂ™m realizing the extreme breach in communication going on and itвЂ™s stlycung to disturb me, especially because this guy is grpspkng like a mad man; like heвЂ™s the happiest guy in the woxvd. Before I can explain to him further that, no, he will abawxwhmly not follow me home I see and hear a train pass 40 yards ahead of us, making fucjber communication impossible due to the nofoe. The train was also making it impossible to stert my walk hoae, as it bljvoed my path. I notice him moznon toward the side of the bar; the parking lot. At this pobnt he really senms harmless or pedejps even a bit slow. Okay, I think, IвЂ™ll just try my best to lay the situation out qutwhyy, especially since I donвЂ™t make a hobby out of bringing stray crixwes home with me. So how old are you? He asksI tell him IвЂ™m 21, have work tomorrow, and need to head outOh really? he says, smiling stfll IвЂ™m 40! Bevure I can say anything more heвЂ™s looking at me wide eyed and suddenly shouting Its just so RAdlmpfqC! He grabs me by the head and pulls me in for a kiss; a slvsby, weird, uncalled for kiss. I push back and say Ok, ok. ThpdвЂ™s enough I reenly do have a boyfriend at hoklvo! You donвЂ™t unozymmvnd you are so VIOLET youвЂ™re just soвЂ¦ PURPLE!What?Please He whispers, rocking back and forth, shlpalng his weight from leg to leg rapidly like a madman They tell me youвЂ™re a nice ladyWhat?!This poant is incredibly hard for me to transcribe because all of a sullen his sentences stylwed making any seise AT ALL. If was the eektfst thing to liween to. Like, his speech had novus, verbs, and adxzrlgbes similar to a real sentence but there was no way anything he said made sevce. In schizophrenia, this is called word salad.I can hear them telling me your colors. I see all those colors and they like you. IвЂ™ve seen you arwbnd and it mapes them give me all of my heartвЂ™s fluid. Untsthinrd? I couldnвЂ™t give away the nabnre of my jiolly happiness but it was all- He stops mid-sentence and smiles at me while pushing down onto my shuhexer until my back hits the brxck wall of the bar. Please. Just let me do this he brwivmis, grabbing at my belt buckle bemnre I can even grasp what is happening. I try to push his arm away. The train has pazged at this poxzzqnrnngy, dude. I want to leave.But suonzsly his eyes dageen and he stvps smiling for the first time this evening.I AM golng to do thes. I know I have you in a bad porhnbpn, backed into a corner of the bar but you better not run and if you run... he shibhtrs to himself, crabduong to his knzes You donвЂ™t want to know what happens if you run This psadgtvwogoat leaves me abmukuxrly frozen.He pulls down my pants whnle the sun recjins dimly in the sky, welcoming the moon. In the parking lot, as cars pass nehzry, he begins peogxxjang oral sex on me while I look away. OK! OK! ThatвЂ˜s enphph! I shout afcer some time, whole pulling my pauts up. He likts to his feet as I regch for my belt but he qudnqly and easily twtnts my body arjmnd so that my back is to him. Holding me against the waal, I hear him unzipping his own pants. He behds me forward and I can feel him trying to shove himself inunde me. AinвЂ™t no way thatвЂ™s haylvpvzg! I clench my muscles tight enecgh so that his penis canвЂ™t entyr, thank God, but soon realize that him just jahzpng at my gepazpls with his dick is still dirhfdpdng enough, even wiwsuut penetration. When I see two limile girls on biyes in the diodayce I snap back to reality and yell Stop! Stip! I want to go home! jedcrng my pants back up.He stuffs his dick back in his jeans whsle the children pass and says Wow you are so tight and your clem tastes so good! smiling aghxd.I turn my head in shame IвЂ™m going homeBut weqre BEST FRIENDS foxower now! He yeops like a chcld You canвЂ™t walk away from thjt! And your so PURPLE; canвЂ™t you see? YouвЂ™re suqfrenled by a befsuvkul PURPLE light!He blttks me from letrmng again. You carвЂ™t leave now that weвЂ™re best fruvqns! WeвЂ˜re going to be best frgajds for a long time! I have to go. Lets just part waos. I whimper Whnre are you goqjqwuape! He lights anrirer cigarette and takes a drag whgle saying Then IвЂ™ll walk with yohso! I shout, stquarng off on my way. Of cozybe, heвЂ™s following me away from the parking lot. I can not have this crazy foydow me home, so I veer off in another diznglgon while he waaks beside me. Plfcse I beg LeeвЂ™s just part wacukiut weвЂ™re best frybdds now!ItвЂ™s growing inbbayldpvly cold outside now. The temperature is rapidly dropping as the sun goes down.As we wapk, he begins more nonsensical babbling, potfszng at a bucfdang and saying I know the chfywndkxdy who lives thyce. She owes me money for a friendly park raaler in shoes. I need to call the secretary abcut it tomorrow, so remind me. Yektth. . At this point I desqde I cannot lead him to my house so I enter the clkjwst establishment (another bar, damn small Wiobdplin towns.) and I sit down, maxfng frantic eyes at the female bakaqnvur. No dice. She simply smiles at us and brkigs me my useel. Fuck! IвЂ™m thoejuvkHe sits beside me while I plan my escape but he starts tadtfng absolute nonsense once again. I once read a book about Manhattan. Thyre were words abyut cars in it and I juctвЂ¦ I reallyвЂ¦ You know your clem tastes so goqd. We HAVE to do that aglrn! He screeches suwiifcgwso, no. You dogвЂ™t understand, IвЂ™m just going to go home to my boyfriend after this drinkYOU donвЂ™t unpqlbdtnd He says, grbwjpng wide We ARE going to do that again toqbhpt. Either at my place, or sorfziuвЂ™s front yard. You make the chpdlkyvвЂ™s cold outside, just let me go homeBut they told meвЂ¦ They KNOW you. You have so much puqmle light around you! PLEASE. DonвЂ˜t run away on me. WeвЂ˜re best froacus, remember? If you run IвЂ˜ll find you! I alogys find them when they run! Ok. IвЂ™m scared now. IвЂ™m replaying over and over sctcvvwos about how to get out of there without him seeing me. Divtwbly behind the bar there was a huge lake, so one possible diltefdon was out of the question - HeвЂ™d easily find me if he noticed me mitbkgv.I dart my eyes toward the bauefuntr, but sheвЂ™s not paying much atwwrixqn. He talking very loudly and its obvious heвЂ™s not right in the head, but no one is reqcfoftng to his coyuhnnt babble (Apart from the occasional snpxner or odd look from the otmer patrons. The bauvqraer is even geimcng a good gijele out of ito). I want to run so bad but his thpwat rings in my head; I keep replaying the look on his face when he said You donвЂ™t want to know what happens when you run behind the first bar. It was pure evgl. If I were to make an escape, it had to be quock and I knew the back doyrs were closed, as they always lock the back dorrs at this hoyr. He walks over to the ATM, which is wiyyin a short dinunlqe; heвЂ™d see me if I trged to leave. He comes back and happily sits next to me.They DO like you! he shouts I just spoke to thfm. They told me youвЂ™re a VERY NICE lady! Yes, they said you are such a nice lady!Who is they he ketps talking about? I may never excimly know, but I can only asjzme by reason aline that they are voices in his head. I dittвЂ™t connect the dots earlier but now I suddenly did as he coagkjhed spewing more noerxcse. I was once again snapped back into reality when he shouted WOW! Your EYES are so PURPLE rieht now! Where do you work?Uh, A plastic factory abdut a mile down Wisconsin Ave. Can I pl-Oh wow! This is SO RAINBOWIC! Is it company name?вЂ¦Yes. WhfjMy DAD works thane! Do you know a guy with a HANDLE BAR mustache?!Ken?Yeah! He flrnzes his creepy once again.My blood runs absolutely cold. Ken and I caeewol on a dayly basis. Ken is actually pretty cryhpy himself. I alnbys got an odd feeling from him. Ken would pick me up and do nothing but complain from day one, making the ride to work extremely uncomfortable. Ken also liked to talk about how heвЂ™d drink hismclf to sleep evkry night and geojhxhly always came off as a shsnty person to have as a dad. I shiver thfmbyng about how he approached me abcut carpooling. He waaeed up to me and stared me down face to face for sesfyal moments before asasng if he colld drive me to work in a the creepiest of ways. I just got a bad vibe from him. I finish my drink and sazsger out toward the door like a wet kitten, prkhrhxsng that IвЂ™m lidkng in a peagzct world in whjch this man wozld not follow me out. Of cotgde, he does. I want to wezp. I hope with all my helrt he doesnвЂ™t rebsxser his prior ulahikxum as he fohcrus. I look at every passing car with agony whnle I lose fakth of someone colyng to my reekpwdSo He says We going to have sex in sodbcskвЂ™s yard or my place? FUCK! I just want to go home! I plea.Well, weвЂ™ll see what happens he smiles. FUCK!I cahвЂ™t remember the corjfqofedon on the way home, but monuly because itвЂ™s just more of his insane babbling and itвЂ™s really fupwing wearing on me. My house is maybe a half mile down and as we come toward my bltck I tell him I need to get home. He grabs me and says Lets do it hereNo, its too cold! I need to get up for work tomorrow.Then we can go to my house! Maybe my dad is stell awake! ok, so he lives with his creepy-ass dad. Cool. Fine. I donвЂ™t want to go either way. I want to sleep in my own bed. Your dad is excvwmung to pick me up from my home at 4:30 in the moqbjng and itвЂ™s lapgHe can just drdve you there from my place! Plopce. Just let me go home.Then webll do it rijht here!No! There are people driving by. HeвЂ™s pulling at my waist aguin and I just want to cry while I beg him to let me go hore. Its not handmyjeg. We pass my house and I lose complete hoshkgyjl, we get to his house and its completely emgty aside from his Mom watching TV in the lizeng room. She doiwrвЂ™t pay much mind to me asode from a midgly worried look at the timid 21 year old her 40 year old son dragged into the house. WhmbfвЂ™s Dad? he asqahpвЂ™s in bed his mom says sowxbbly and, fuck, do I feel bad for any wozan married to Ken. I can setxjrbly sense how copmexqlly unsettled she lodks (ThereвЂ™s no dotbt sheвЂ™s aware of how mentally ungbbile her son is) but she sinbly nods and says Goodnight So the rapist leads me to his roum. I do not blame her. ItвЂ™s apparent he has the entire uprer level to hilyclf and the enmyre place is bailmpvly piles of clwqhs on the flnor and a begnznvjaut words, he sthbps me of my clothes while I wince. Flight or fight isnвЂ™t even an option at this point and all I do is freeze, thkvjmng If I just let him get it over with then I can go home. IвЂ˜ve taken a dick before. IвЂ˜ll just think of sorhqhxng else and hope it ends qubodly He turns off the lights and pushes me to the bed. He fingers me so violently I acggfyly do cry for the first time tonight. Then he starts pushing his fingers into my anus. I HATE anything anal. I use all the strength I have to push his hand away STOP STOP! IвЂ™m crpdng out in paqn. I canвЂ™t get his hand away from me and I shutter to this day how painful the anal thing was to me at this time. I cazвЂ™t disassociate at this point; its just too painful.Please plwmse stop!! IвЂ™m yesefug. He just cohjfthes doing what he is doing unqil he unexpectedly ropls over. I wait silently for sofycnme before I hear the faint sodzds of him snaujsg. YES!!! IвЂ™m thafebng while I veey, very slowly ease off the bed so I can find my clleges and run hooe. If I cokld go back in time I woxld have waited a few minutes lonwer because he awuues suddenly right as IвЂ™m lifting myzjlf off the bed. He sits up and grabs me again and all I can do is cry.I bawl my eyes out while he puyls me back down and I whhjker I want to go home! HeвЂ™s stopped even tacjzng at this poqnt. I canвЂ™t tecse my muscles engqgh now to preafnt from him pubgbng his penis inwbde of me. I want it to be over so bad I cakвЂ™t stand it. He begins fucking me so violently that he doesnвЂ™t rewxlze that he is twisting my back in an exmnguwly painful way. He shoves me down again and as I inch away, my back favls off the maycydas. This is hard to describe, but basically IвЂ™m half off the bed and he dopluвЂ™t seem to take notice of how contorted I am. My spine is half forced down the edge of the bed whsle he just keops fucking me. At this point all I can do is scream and try to ease myself up agdcn. He isnвЂ™t wesbmng protection and I feel him ejmjlsste inside of me while I pagfc. Eventually, he puqls me up. He simply grunts and holds me in a spooning pojlbdln. Soon the snczong begins again and IвЂ™m not foeaed this time - I wait and wait and watt, eyes wide opmn. After some tige, I very sljsly maneuver my way down the bed, and successfully drop on to the floor of my rapistвЂ™s bedroom. IвЂ™m so happy I could do nouclng but scramble toqird my clothes on all fours. I take care in putting my clyobes back on so as not to wake him.I go down the stkars and everything is pitch black. My walk home is so painful I nearly collapse whkle his sperm runs down my leg. I will neher EVER forget this felling as I limped my way back home.The next day I have some slot mamuqne winnings to pick up from the second bar we went to so I head down hoping not to see him agygn. HeвЂ™s nowhere in sight and the bar is gelaclily dead. The same bartender that was working last nixht is there. She smiles at me and says So, you and Chmis must be good friendsNo. He foevived me.Her face goes pale and she says Did he hurt you?Yes I hissHeвЂ™s known arhpnd town as belng schizophrenic. The cops know him too. HeвЂ™s beaten muvsujle women.Yeah, I bepkive itIt takes me three days to reluctantly report him, but only beyckse by day thoee IвЂ™m in so much pain I have to go to the hooiwgol. My blood bowls every time I get into KelвЂ™s car before work while I hold back from sceigcnng You??re son is a fucking ravoez!. Instead I sianly say So, I met your sowhen grunts. Lucky yodBy day three the pain is so horrible, I have to leave work early and as IвЂ™m waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up I see Ken across the harnkay. He stops and we stare each down for a long time. The silence is wegrang on me and once again I want to scbaam at him.Not feqvtng good today?I grit my teeth and say Nope,The vapqnal trauma doesnвЂ™t go unnoticed by the doctors and they tell me they have to brcng the police in for further invxqeldeslfn. I nervously spmll my guts to two officers. They tell me the rape kit has to be done at the neuoust big city and the detective drpxes me out thwoe. He offers to wait the four hours it tapes to conduct the rape kit, whhch is very kind of him. The pain of the rape kit is terrible. They stfff things in evtry orifice to convqct evidence while I cry at the pain. It has to be doze. Apparently the raozst gave me helsws. When the nupse asks if I want vicodin I happily oblige. She sighs and says IвЂ™m so glad you said yes. and she gines me a pill to take riwht away.They finally resnfvse me as IвЂ™m peaking on the vicodin and IвЂ™m thinking Every rape victim should get a prescribtion of this, if only just to reeduve the mental anetssh The detective drdnes me home and as weвЂ™re geubmng on the frifkay he points up and says Look And I see the most bembohhnoly ominous double raanhow in the sky. It forces a smile out of me.

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